The Pain I Feel
by Koneko-chan7
Summary: Night__FLame the fire lupe thinks about his past. Is his fate truly to be alone? Or is that just what he thinks? (new account, fixed some typos and a sentence or two) please R&R! **Chpt. 3 now up!**
1. Blood

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DISCLAIMER  
  
I don't own Neopets, and I'm not making any profit from this story, so don't sue me! XP The only thing I claim ownership to is this fic, and my char, Night__FLame.  
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The pain I feel...  
  
  
  
  
Why are you reading this? Expecting to find info on me? Too bad.  
  
  
No one can understand the pain I feel..  
  
What happened that day is only known to me, no one else survived... No one else saw it....  
  
I'm destined to be alone.  
  
That day proved it. I was left alone, not out of choice. An undeserved fate hefted onto my still young shoulders, something I almost couldn't handle. A blow on my heart was dealt, with even a possible blow to my mind, as I almost lost it... I couldn't handle it, this harsh reality that was shoved at me. I was too young to understand, and I couldn't move on.  
  
But eventually I had to leave, forget the pain. I learned how to live without it, adopted a new habit. I look at the claws on my black and blue flamed feet, and the memory rushes back, like a bad dream. Something I want to forget, but can't. The recurring nightmare..  
  
Some would move on with things, and get over it. But it's not something that easily forgotten in my eyes. The memories rush back again, and I look at the ground. I gasp as I almost see the blood. The memory feels so real, I can almost see those around me, hear the screams, feel the wetness of the blood.. Then the screams come again. Suddenly all I hear is the pounding of my heart as my mind rushes, and searches for a solution to the problem. I want the madness to stop, someone to wake me from this dream. But the nightmare never ends, it just keeps replaying in my head. And I'm the only one standing, eyes wide in shock as reality smacks me in the face. I was too young for the harshness, and I couldn't leave for days.  
  
But I look at these paws, flashing again to the past. The blood on these paws, wet against my fur. And I was helpless to stop it. In the end I feel it's all my fault, shouldn't have let it happen. The blood is too much for me, and I'm almost sick, but I suppress it. I tolerate it now, but it's still no stroll through the park.  
  
I've changed since then, instead of arctic blue tones my pelt is now a jet obsidian, marked with blue flames. A bit of a rarity, but I don't fit in with everyone else. Far from it.  
  
You'd think I'd be able to hide it by now, make it seem like it never happened. Just a bad dream to be forgotten.  
  
But if you were the one, then you try handling it. You try learning what death is when you're not even a teen, see how you handle it. Seeing all that blood...the carnage... It's not easy.  
  
But in the end.. I'm still alone. Others have tried to be my companion, but it never works. I'll always be alone.. It's my fate, and I learned it young. Something that can't be changed, it sticks to me like glue.  
  
Sometimes I think about it, ending my existence. And the memory of that day still in my head, a tear rolls down my cheek, and I almost wish it was my own blood. But then I realize that wouldn't help. I'd still be alone. So I live on.  
  
I feel it's my fault, and that fact can't be changed. I don't accept it, I tolerate it. Nothing that bad's happened since then, but I've caused pain to others. I can see it on their face, the sadness in their eyes, and the fear in their hearts that I'm leaving them forever. But I don't have a choice, I'm a loner. Not by choice, but fate.  
  
Not everyone's life is easy, and I know that better than anyone. And I look at my paws again. The memory comes back, like always. And this time I can swear I feel the blood... 


	2. Fate

Chapter 2: Fate  
  
I decided to continue it, finally some clarification on what the memory actually is. :P By the way, not telling the memory in the first chapter was intentional, NF doesn't like to tell others about it. And I'm guessing you've read the first chapter, so there's no real need for a disclaimer. But for those who don't know, I do NOT own Neopets.  
  
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I feel the blood. Looking at my paws, I don't see it, but I feel it anyway. The cold wetness of it sends a shiver down my spine. My vision fades to black, and then all I see is the memory....  
  
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I stand in the middle of a field, not far from a forest. My fur is a mix of arctic and ice blue tones, somewhat lighter on my muzzle, stomach, and tail tip. I glance around with my eyes, they are a light yellow, and breathe out a contented sigh. I look at the sky and smile, life has been great. I have 2 sisters, a loving mother, and a caring yet strong father.  
  
Hearing a yip, I turn towards the forest. A young lupess stands there, my sister. Her fur is red, shifting to a fiery orange on her stomach. Her name is FlamePaw.  
  
"FlamePaw!" I yell, and run towards her. She smiles, turns, and runs. A game of tag ensues.  
  
Running after her a put on a burst of speed, hot on her tail. "I'm gonna get ya!" I yell, twisting and maneuvering as I run. She's quite agile.  
  
"Don't be so sure!" she yells back, and heads into the forest. I follow her, but with all the trees, I can't see her. I stand there, and look around at my surroundings. "FlamePaw?! Where are you?" I wait for a response, but hear nothing. "FlamePaw?"  
  
Hearing nothing again I sigh, and pad home to the den. She must be there, I think to myself, and soon reach my destination.  
  
Our den is nothing but an abandoned cave, but it serves its purpose. Keeping us safe from the weather, it's quite nice in my opinion.  
  
I step inside and look around, yet I see no one. "Mom? Dad?" I say, glancing around again. There is no reply, and I leave. Maybe they're in the field.  
  
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I reach the field, and then I see it. It must have come after FlamePaw and I went into the forest.  
  
In the center of the area stands a yellow grarrl. Sunlight glints off the sunflower petal hued scales. It's tall also, like a sunflower, but hardly that harmless.  
  
My eyes widen. What was a grarrl doing here? But reality dawns on me, and I see my family. They cower before it, and I hear my mom begging the grarrl to spare them.  
  
My mom and dad may have been strong, but I doubt they could take on a full grown grarrl. Even with both of them.  
  
Instincts scream in my ears, and without question, I follow them. I run to a tree on the edge of the forest, and hide behind it.  
  
And then it comes, a huge deafening roar. But my family only stays there, too scared to run. I hear their sobs, and my sisters' whines of confusion and fright. I wouldn't blame them. I'd be confused too if some creature I didn't know wanted to kill me for some unknown reason.  
  
But the growl stops, and hear footsteps. It must be the grarrl, normal lupe footsteps aren't that loud. Then a scream. High, shrill, and full of pain it cuts through the air like a knife, reaching the ears of many with ease.  
  
My fear grows, and I peek from my hiding place. The sight before me is not pretty. My eyes dampen, and tears streak down my cheeks as I sob uncontrollably in fear and sadness.  
  
More screams, and then they end. All I hear is the chomp of sharp teeth hitting each other. I see the grarrl, it's hunched over, feeding on the carcasses of my family.  
  
The gore of it almost makes me get sick. I struggle to keep it from happening as I see the blood on the grarrl's face, its sharp teeth glistening with the red wetness.  
  
I stand there, watching it, petrified with fear yet frozen to the spot. Eventually the dinosaur-like creature leaves, and I pad forwards.  
  
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I see the dead and slain bodies of my family, and tear flows freely down my cheeks. Blood coats the ground, and the original hues of their pelts are stained red. Taking another step forward, I feel something wet against my paw. Raising it to my face, I see the redness. The blood of my family. It's cold, and wet on my fur.  
  
I can't handle it, and collapse, sobbing into the ground.  
  
They're gone. And it's my fault, I could've distracted the grarrl. I should have done it. But I was too concerned for myself, too selfish. And now they're gone. I could've died, I know, but they might have been spared.  
  
At that moment I knew my fate, I was destined to be alone. If I couldn't save my family, or at least part of it, then how could I protect anyone else?  
  
All I can think is 'It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault. Why didn't I save them?! Now they're gone, all because of me!'  
  
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The memory ends, and my normal vision returns. Tears pour down my cheeks. It's been quite a while, but it still hurts every time I remember it.  
  
"WHY DIDN'T I SAVE THEM?!!!!?!????!??!" I yell, and collapse like in the memory, and sob once again. I didn't stop it, and now they're gone.  
  
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Author's note: sorry if the name FlamePaw is taken on Neopets, I just created the name for Night__FLame's sister. 


	3. Reset

Chpt. 3: reset  
  
Wooh, chpt 3 now. heh, and I first I just thought it was gonna be a short, one chapter story.. Not really physical stuff(excluding the memory in chtp. 2) but mental.. Night__FLame seems to be loosin' it, ne?  
  
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.reset.  
  
something I don't understand anymore  
  
Am I who I once thought I was? Is this fate truly mine? Or am I deceived... All a game in my mind.. I still see it, the blood, the memory, but... I'm emotionless. They had the chance... Why didn't they take it? Why am I blaming myself for it... I can't understand it anymore.. I even feel the memory beginning to fade. Am I losing myself? But then I think.. No, it can't be my fault. They're the ones that didn't run. They're the ones that didn't fight back. They just stayed there..and let it happen.. I couldn't have been expected to stop it... But.. What about my fate? Aren't I supposed to be the loner? All these years I've thought so, but now the thought changes. Corrupted with doubt, thoughts form in my head. It would've happened anyway.. Even if I was there.. I can't change the past, so why worry? A smirk forms on my face. It's their fault, not my own. They couldn't avoid the danger, they faced it like idiots, and paid the price for it. But... I could've stopped it... Why didn't I? I just hid there... And now they're gone.. Forever... FlamePaw... Mom... Dad.. But, it wasn't me. I wasn't the reason it came to the field. I didn't even know what it was then..  
  
It's not my fault, it can't be. I feel the memory fade more. I'll just reset my past.. Let the memory disappear, start something new, let it begin again. It's not my fault, it never was. I was wrong to think so.. They're the reason they're gone. They're the ones that caused me pain. If they hadn't have left then I wouldn't feel this. I wouldn't be in this situation. It's them, not me.. Can't be me.. It's not, I'm innocent.. I don't care what they think anymore, I've gone this long with the hardness of that burden, and I need a change. If I reset my memory I can start again, life is different than what I thought. Things aren't this bad, they can't be. I know they aren't... I smirk and look at my paws, blood again in my memory. But I laugh this time, I don't care about the blood. It's not my own, and it's their own fault they're gone. Not my own. It never was my fault.. The memory fades more.. Only flashes of it now.. They flicker in my mind, no emotion. It's resetting already, soon I'm starting over.. Life's gonna turn in my favor.. I just know it will..  
  
The next morning I wake up from my makeshift home. I look at my paw, only the blood on my paw remains clear. Flashes, streaks, and blurry images. I can't make it out, I don't remember what happened.  
  
"It's resetting.."  
  
I say to myself, and smirk again. Then I laugh, a bit insanely some might say. I don't care, it's not their problem. They should stay out.. Leave it alone. They couldn't handle it anyway.. And they're not the ones that had to reset their memory.. I did.. Otherwise I'd still believe that fate... It's false. It is my choice.. I don't have to be alone.. But.. I think I'll stay that way, they can't understand me. No, they can't ever. My mind is a puzzle... They can't solve it. No one can, my thoughts are too complex. I grin, laughing again. My memory of it is almost gone.. Just that one image.. I'm resetting, no going back now. Finally a peaceful life... What I've always wanted. I can move on to other things.. Maybe even become a warrior. And I smile at this, a small tear of joy running down my cheek. I look at my paw, only the wet feeling.. It's fading, almost gone. Life's gonna get better. Only the coldness... It's fading.. A faint tingle... And it's gone. I've reset my memory. 


End file.
